Four Hollywood Phone Calls to Insurance Companies

The Italian Job

the italian job 1969
Call Centre: “Sorry sir, could you go through that with me once more?”

Charlie Crocker: “He was only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.”

Call Centre: “You’ve said that sir, but I’m afraid that isn’t pertinent to your claim. Where did you say you were?”

Charlie Crocker: “What, right now? In the back of a bus, looking down at what I’d imagine is certain death. I’ve got a great idea, but the lads think that crying for our mummies isn’t the most productive thing to do at the moment.”

Call Centre: “No, it’s probably not sir. What is the current value of the vehicle you’ve phoned up about? This includes all modifications and contents of the vehicle, should you be unsure.”

Charlie Crocker: “About four million dollars, give or take.”

Call Centre: “I’m sorry sir, did you say four million?”

Charlie Crocker: “Give or take, yeah. I’m not really able to give you specifics at the moment I’m afraid, what with my dangling so perilously over a cliff.”

Call Centre: “I understand that sir, but you haven’t really given me any concrete information yet. I see on our records that you also have three Mini Coopers and an Aston Marti-“

Charlie Crocker: “Listen, are you going to quote me happy or what?”

Back To The future

back to the future
Call Centre: “Hello, Adrian Flux, Mike speaking. How can I help?”


Call Centre: “…Do you want to add a child to your policy, sir?”

Doc Brown: “What? Oh, sorry, no. Listen, I’m after a quote.”

Call Centre: “By all means sir. What is the vehicle?”

Doc Brown: “It’s a Delorean DMC-12.”

Call Centre: “No problem sir, now are there any modifications or customisations you’ve made to the vehicle?”

Doc Brown: “Just the usual, you know: Alloys, CD player, *Cough*Flux Capacitor*Cough*, Big tailpipe…”

Call Centre: “I’m sorry sir, what did you say?”

“Tailpipe. Y’know, that bit at the end of the exhaust pipe.”

Call Centre: “No no, before that.”

Doc Brown: “A CD player. For music”

Call Centre: “Did you say a flux capacitor sir?”

Doc Brown: “Will that affect my premium?”

Call Centre: “Well let’s think about that sir. A modification that will allow you to travel through time, but only when you hit a speed which is, as you know, faster than the national speed limit of this country. Having this modification fitted will allow a vehicle to tear a hole in time, leaving flaming trails in its wake as it journeys instantaneously to a date specified by the user. Also, mounted as it is between the headrests of the vehicle, the light emitted by the unit can only serve to be a distraction, which is probably the least of your concerns from an insurance premium perspective. Are you using the Mr Fusion to power it?”

Doc Brown: I’ll ring Moneysupermarket


Call Centre: “Good morning, Direct Line.”

Sam Witwicky: “Yeah, hi. I was just wondering if you could tell me how many miles I declared on my initial insurance application with yourselves?”

Call Centre: “By all means sir… It says here that your vehicle does 9,000 miles a year. Is this something you’d like to alter?”

Sam Witwicky: “Well, I’m not sure. It’s just I was talking to my car the other day, and he claims that he’s not actually a Chevvy Camaro, but a robot who’s come from outer space to fight other robots. Anyway, he says that he’s travelled lightyears to get here, but he’s only showing 40k on the clock. Is this my problem or d’you reckon the dealer is fiddling the paperwork?”

Call Centre: “I’m sorry sir, but did you say your car was talking to you?”

Sam Witwicky: “Yeah, but I don’t see how that affects the insurance.”

Call Centre: “That’s true, but…”

Sam Witwicky: “Oh, on that note: Will my premium get any cheaper if my car isn’t a car all the time?”

Call Centre: “…What?”

Sam Witwicky: “Well, sometimes he’s a robot.”

Call Centre: “A robot.”

Sam Witwicky: “That’s correct.”

Call Centre: “That fights other robots.”

Sam Witwicky: “Yep.”

Call Centre: “From space.”

Sam Witwicky: “Yah-huh.”

Call Centre: “I’ll be honest with you sir, in light of that extra information we’ll probably struggle to give you a quote… “

Casino Royale

casino royale
Call Centre: “So let me go through that list again sir.”

James Bond: “By all means.”

Call Centre: “You own an Aston Martin DB9.”

James Bond: “That’s correct.”

Call Centre: “And that car has the following modifications; front passenger ejector seat, rear passenger ejector seat, oil slick machine, machine guns behind the headlights…”

James Bond: “Do we have to-“

Call Centre: “Spiked wheel hubs, self inflating tyres, a videophone centre panel, a false floor in the boot revealing a cachet of guns, smokescreen launchers…”

James Bond: “Yeah, it-“

Call Centre: “A pair of wings, a three way revolving numberplate, a self destruct button, lasers, invisibility, and bulletproof tinted glass.”

James Bond: “Yes.”

Call Centre: “Who do you think you are, James Bond?”

James Bond: “Who told you!?”

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